Would you like to know how to respond to darvo that bullies use to discredit you when you report their bullying or speak out against it? Here are the most powerful ways you must know.
The DARVO method that bullies use is tricky. Many victims of bullying are at a loss as to how to respond to it. As one who has had this method used on me, I am giving you the most powerful ways to respond.
You will learn about how to respond to DARVO properly and the best responses that will shut this method down for good.
After learning these points, you will be extra prepared the next time a bully uses this evil technique against you.
This post is all about how to respond to DARVO tactics that bullies use. This is important information every victim of bullying should know.
How to respond to darvo:
1. learn what darvo is and how bullies use it.
The first step in learning how to properly defend yourself against bullying tactics is to understand exactly what each tactic is.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Realize that this is a classic reaction bullies make any time the victim calls out their bad behavior.
If you are a victim of such tactics, it is imperative that you educate yourself on them.
Additionally, you need to memorize the textbook description of it. You must also know what DARVO looks like as it is happening.
For instance, a bully with narcissism may attack you, and you may call them out on their rotten behavior. The bully reacts by telling you, “It’s no big deal.” Or, he may say something to the tune of, “You’re making something out of nothing.”
Understand that these are classic DARVO comebacks. Why? Because they invalidate reality and make you out to have overreacted. Don’t fall for it. You know what they did and that it was wrong. Therefore, continue to stand strong and stick to your guns.
How to Respond to DARVO:
the bully will project.
Moreover, the bully will become extremely aggressive and attack your character and credibility. They may even attack your motives and intentions.
The bully may also break down in tears or begin yelling in anger as they attack you. Bullies are experts at turning on emotions to achieve a desired result.
And that is to make it look like you instigated their abuse. In other words, they make it look as if they were only reacting to what you did to them.
Also, the bully may use insults, threats, and gaslighting to discredit you. Moreover, they will swear up and down that they’re being unfairly accused. Or, they’ll say that you are making false accusations against them to cover your bad behavior.
Put simply, they will accuse you of doing to them the same things they’re doing to you. This is classic projection. Therefore, call it out.
As another attempt to deflect, bullies will also try to justify their evil behavior by shifting blame to you.
Understand that bullies do all this to reverse the roles. And they hope that others will see them in a more positive light.
Bullies want others to see their abuse as a reaction to something you did to them first. All the while, they continue to inflict more abuse.
How to Respond to DARVO:
2. whatever you do, stay calm.
This is an absolute must. Why? Because your bully is hoping and praying that you will lose your cool. But don’t!
Why? Because bullies will use it as confirmation that you’re cuckoo. And, believe you me, they’re masters at this!
Also, they will misconstrue your emotions (crying, etc.) as a sign of guilt. Instead, remain calm, and the bully is more likely to be the one flipping out.
I have found that remaining calm and cool drives them up the wall. Therefore, you force your bullies to expose themselves.
Remember the quote in Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War.”
“Let the enemy destroy themselves.”
Again, your calm demeanor will arouse not only the bully’s anger, but also their fear. Your bully will be flabbergasted as to why you’re so calm. This will throw them off balance.
Moreover, they’ll flip out and begin yelling, shouting, and cursing. Don’t let this behavior intimidate you because this is what you want them to do to expose and embarrass themselves.
Remember that bullies have big egos and an image to protect. Also, they have an intense need for control.
And they will do everything they possibly can to preserve their egos and maintain control. They have an image to maintain.
Staying calm is difficult when bullies abuse you. But it’s most effective at riling your bullies and exposing their true colors.
The calmer you are, the more unhinged your bullies will get. Then, they’ll unwittingly expose themselves through their own behavior.
3. How to Respond to DARVO:
Call the behavior out by name.
This is why you must first know what DARVO is. You must also know the names of all the behavior that goes with it. This way, you can call it out and won’t sound like you’re rambling.
Rambling makes you sound mentally imbalanced and less believable. But naming the behavior and stating your case clearly and concisely makes you look credible.
And it makes the bully look unhinged. This is what you want.
For example, if the bully is accusing you of the very behavior they directed at you, call it by name. Projecting. And do it in front of an audience.
Tell them that they’re projecting to make themselves look like the good guy. And that you are onto them.
If they are trying to justify their behavior, again, call it out. Say to the bully, “Don’t try to justify your behavior because there is no justification for it.
Be an adult (or if it’s a child, you can say, ‘be a big girl/boy’) and take responsibility for your actions.”
4. Document, document, document!
You must document everything in detail. Keeping a bullying journal is of the utmost importance.
Keeping documentation helps you to keep a record of bullying. It also helps you present it in a clearer, more concise, and more organized manner.
Moreover, it is admissible in court. And you can also take it to tribunals, at work, or school board meetings.
When you document, always use the 5W Method. This means to write down What? Who? When? Where? and Why? And if possible, How?.
Doing it this way allows your story to make more sense. Also, it effectively identifies any perpetrators and identifies potential witnesses.
In other words, write down what happened, who was involved, and who was around to see what happened (the names of any bystanders and witnesses). Also, write down when it happened (the exact date and time).
Additionally, include where it happened (did it happen in the school locker room? The workplace parking lot?) and if you know, why it happened (was it because you reported your bullies’ abuse of you?) Be as detailed as humanly possible when you document!
How to Respond to Darvo: do your own investigation!
This is how you gather your own evidence. How to respond to DARVO doesn’t include waiting for anyone else to do anything; you can just as easily do it for yourself.
Never rely on the school or your workplace to conduct its own investigation. This is where many victims get screwed. Why?
Because when entities do their own investigations (if they do them at all) it will only be to their advantage, not yours.
The reality is that institutions usually side with bullies. Why? Because bullies are experts at covering their behinds. Moreover, they are also usually stars in the who’s who at school.
And they’re usually higher up in the workplace or organization.
Therefore, always do your own investigation. Documenting is the most effective way to gather your own evidence.
Depending on the laws in your state or jurisdiction, you can secretly record the bullying. Again, make sure the laws in your state allow recordings.
If you live in a two-party consent state, you must also have the permission of anyone you record. However, if you live in a one-party consent state, you only need your own permission. Therefore, you are FREE to record!
Again, make sure you know the laws in your state before you do this. The last thing you want is for your bullies to have grounds to sue you for invasion of privacy. And you just know they would salivate over that opportunity. So, don’t give it to them.
5. practice self-care
Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Make daily affirmations to yourself.
Make I AM statements, “I AM a good person,” “I AM not wrong for standing up for myself,” “I AM lovable,” “I AM deserving of friends, family, and people who love me,” ” I AM worthy of God’s love because He loves me anyway, regardless of what I’ve done in the past,” etc.
And when you make these affirmations, believe them with all your heart.
Practicing self-care also means spending time with the people who love you. Keep company only with those who lift you up and avoid people who bring you down. This is how you nurture your self-esteem and mental health.
Indulge in a good soak in the bathtub with bath bombs or treat yourself to a day at the spa.
Self-care is essential when dealing with this form of abuse.
this post was all about how to respond to darvo so that you can better protect yourself against this insidious form of abuse.
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1. Setting Boundaries: 3 Powerful Practices to Hold Your Ground
Hey Cherie,
This was a great article about DARVO!
Very interesting and helpful.
I really appreciate all the work you’re doing around bullying and would love to connect with you about your book and the work I’m up to with Bullyproof.guide.
Hope we can connect soon!
Thanks again,
Mark Olmstead
PS: Bullyproof.Guide is still in progress but we’d love your input and suggestions on how to make it something that will serve the entire community-including fellow authors and professionals….
Thank you, Mark! This means a lot! I would love to connect with you on this! Let me know when and how we can. Blessings!
Cherie
Excellent post, Cherie. I had never heard of DARVO before.
Thank you, Sheila. I came across the term about 10 years ago. A psychologist coined it around 1997. It’s not as popular as the term, “gaslighting.” However, I did a lot of research on it over several years, and it made a lot of sense.