‘Want to know about bullying and bystanders and the excuses bystanders make for bullies? Here is everything you need to know.
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Bullies are very practiced and convincing liars. They have a flair for using charm to deceive bystanders and authority.
Therefore, in this post, you will learn about bullying and bystanders so that you can know what to expect from bystanders when you’re bullied.
Once you learn this crucial information, you will be able to use it to see who’s in your corner and who you need to cut off.
This post is all about bullying and bystanders so that you can drop the people who side with your bullies and stick with the ones who side with you.
Bullying And Bystanders
As I mentioned earlier, bullies are experts at charming everyone else. Understand that this “charm” bullies often display is fake. It’s all a part of the smokescreen they put up to cover bad behavior and avoid accountability.
In short, bullies are only actors and actresses.
Bullying And Bystanders:
Why Bystanders often join in.
There are many reasons “the audience” may bully you too. Here are the most common reasons.
1. Groupthink
Groupthink is everywhere -in school, at work, on the street, everywhere!
A moderate amount of it is human nature. It’s how we conform to the rules in society. Moreover, we need a certain degree of groupthink to prevent total anarchy.
However, when it’s excessive, it’s unhealthy, even dangerous! The excessive kind is how cults are formed. It’s also how dictatorships and totalitarian states get started.
An example of groupthink is, “If everyone else is doing it, I need to do it too.” Other names for groupthink are “pack mentality” or “herd mentality.”
Therefore, if an institution has a culture of bullying, those who wouldn’t normally bully will do it to fit in.
Bullying and Bystanders:
2. Social Contagion
Social contagion is a close sibling to groupthink. Why? Because when bullies bully you, everyone else wants to bully you too. It’s called “the swarm effect” or “the pile-on effect.”
When one bully bullies, others will pile on.
Peer pressure motivates them to do so. I look back now and realize that most of my classmates were only errand boys to the clique. In other words, they were one big herd of sheep.
Most bystanders will do anything to get in good with “the cool kids.” They defend those whose butts they want to kiss. They’ll do whatever it takes to move up the social ladder.
Therefore, they’ll mostly side with bullies. Why? Because, sadly, they have the power to promote them up the social hierarchy. This is how bystanders become secondary bullies.
And those who don’t join in will likely refuse to help you. We call this deliberate indifference.
Bullying and Bystanders:
3. Group Behavior
In group settings, bullying you becomes a ritual. In other words, it’s the in-thing to do at your school or your place of employment.
Any time bystanders join in, it can be especially devastating. Why? Because you stand alone. You have no support. Moreover, it can escalate to group-bullying, and group behavior can get dangerous very quickly.
Here are other things bystanders may do. They’ll ignore it and do nothing. Moreover, you’ll hear laughing and giggling in the background.
Onlookers may also whisper and gossip about the bullying incident later. They may say, “Hey, did you see Jackie get her ass whipped this morning?” They love to keep the rumor mill running.
Bystanders may also point and stare while your bullies are getting the best of you. And they may incite more bullying by sending messages back and forth between you and the bullies.
If you’re being cyberbullied, they’ll like and agree with mean social media posts. Moreover, they may get angry at you for defending yourself. In worst cases, bystanders may retaliate against you for trying to protect yourself.
In groups, people will behave in ways they would never do under normal circumstances. Even the kindest of people can turn into the vilest of monsters in a group. Always remember that.
4. They’re afraid of becoming the next victim.
No one wants to be a target of bullying. That’s understandable.
Bystanders fear that speaking up for you will cause them to lose popularity. Therefore, they either watch it happen or join in.
Understand that when they watch you getting pummeled, they thank their lucky stars that it isn’t them. Therefore, if they even think the bullies might target them next, they’ll do anything to keep that from happening.
In fact, they may even make excuses for the bullies to look like their allies.
Bullying and Bystanders:
excuses bystanders make for bullies.
Here’s a list of excuses that bystanders and authorities often make for the bully when you speak out.
1. “That’s just his personality.”
If you’re a victim of bullying, you’ll hear this excuse a lot. When others tell you this after someone has insulted you, what they’re really doing is trying to normalize the behavior.
Moreover, the hidden message is, “We tolerate him, so you should too.”
But you shouldn’t tolerate it. Therefore, you can either stand up to him, or you can give him a dismissive look and have no more to do with him.
This is how you take your power back.
2. “She’s only expressing herself.”
This is just another bullshit excuse that lets a bully off the hook. Expressing oneself is okay. However, when they do it at your expense, that’s when it becomes a problem.
Therefore, you need to express yourself by standing up to this person. You don’t have to tolerate crappy behavior from anyone. And you shouldn’t.
If someone mistreats you, let them have it. It’s the only way you’ll earn respect.
Bullying and Bystanders:
3. “He just has a strong personality.”
Don’t accept this garbage. Realize that when bystanders make this statement, they’re excusing the behavior. Moreover, they’re complimenting the bully.
Think about it. “Strong personality?”
However, acting like a heel to someone isn’t a sign of a strong personality. If someone has to bully you to make themselves feel better, it’s a sign of low character.
They really have a weak personality. Remember that bullies are weak. Moreover, they’re cowards.
4. “She’s going through a hard time right now.”
Everyone goes through hard times. But not everyone takes it out on other people. Remember that the true test of character comes in the way you deal with adversity.
And sure, there are times when the stress is too much, and we snap at someone. However, most of us don’t make it a habit.
And we usually go back and apologize later. Bullies are never sorry for their behavior. Rough times are no excuse to be an asshole.
Bullying and Bystanders:
5. “he’s really a good person; He’s just having issues right now.”
Still, no excuse. Everyone has “issues.” However, not everyone uses their problems as a green light to mistreat others. Therefore, they should leave their problems at the door.
6. “She’s having problems at home.”
People who have problems at home rarely bring them to school or the job. Again, bullies need to leave their funky attitude at home.
You’ll often hear this excuse from enablers – people who are afraid of the bully and don’t want to set them off. However, they don’t realize that they’re rewarding their bad behavior. And they’re trying to make you responsible for their mood.
No one is responsible for their home life but them. And there are better ways to handle it besides being a heel.
7. “He’s really a good person once you get to know him.”
I can’t count the times I’ve heard this worn-out line. To me, this is just a polite way of saying, “He’s an asshole, but you’ll get used to it.”
And that’s exactly how you should call it out if some dummy gives you the same statement. If they want to pity that fool and let them walk over them, that’s their business.
However, I don’t give a rat’s behind how “good” the person is. I’m still not taking any crap off them. And neither should you.
Bullying and Bystanders:
8. “But he’s so well-liked and well-mannered. Why would he bully someone like you?”
Wow! If this doesn’t piss you off, it should. What the person is really saying is that they don’t believe you. Maybe they haven’t seen the bully act badly, and maybe they have.
However, they make this excuse either because they like the bully or because they’re trying to de-escalate the situation. Moreover, maybe they don’t like you, and this is a subtle way of blaming you.
Therefore, don’t fall for it. Let them know that you won’t put up with it. Better yet, let the bully know it too.
9. “But she’s so sweet, and everyone loves her. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
“Yep! She’s so sweet she called you a ___ today.” Realize that bullies act one way in front of you and a totally different way in front of everyone else.
Therefore, stand up to this bully. Tell her what you think of her. Then walk away. No one has an excuse to wipe their feet all over you.
In conclusion
These are only a few examples. Don’t fall for any excuse! I don’t care what it is. Let’s do a recap of the excuses you’ll likely hear if you’re a victim of bullying.
- That’s just his personality.
- She’s just expressing herself.
- He just has a strong personality.
- She’s going through a hard time right now.
- He’s really a good person; he’s just having issues right now.
- She’s having problems at home.
- He’s really a good person once you get to know him.
- But he’s so well-liked and well-mannered. Why would he bully someone like you?
- But she’s so sweet, and everyone loves her. She wouldn’t hurt a fly.
It’s best if you study these examples. Then you can be ready once someone uses one of these excuses to defend a bully.
This post is all about bullying and bystanders and the excuses people make for bullies so that you’ll know them and be ready to call it out.
Related posts you’ll enjoy:
1. Bystanders to Bullying: 5 Reasons They Join In.
2. When Bystanders Become Bullies: 11 Behaviors of Bully-Supporters
3. Deliberate Indifference: 7 Reasons Bystanders Won’t Help Victims
Your quip, “He’s an asshole, you’ll get used to it,” had me rolling on the floor laughing. In my case, the bystanders would defend the bullies by saying it was all my fault or I brought it on myself.
I’m glad you got a good laugh out of it, Michael. Lots of times, they do say that it’s your fault. However, I also heard them make excuses for the bullies too. I just about heard it all. 😅🤣😅🤣