When you’re being bullied, there will be many know-it-all people who will give you bad bullying advice. Here’s what you’ll likely hear and how you can respond to such nonsense.

Photo by laflor from Getty Images Signature

Bad bullying advice is everywhere. Therefore, in this post, you will learn all the terrible advice you will likely hear from people in power.

Once you discover all these unhelpful responses, you will recognize them when you hear them. And you will have the confidence to call them out and counter them when those in authority try to use one or more of them on you.

This post will list all the bad bullying advice victims of bullying often hear so that you can stand up to it boldly.

Bad Bullying Advice

Anytime a target is bullied in school or college, adults can give some of the most ridiculous advice. In fact, some of it is downright ludicrous.

These people think they have all the answers. Moreover, they offer snake oil remedies that have no chance of producing positive results.

This isn’t to say that those who give the advice don’t mean well. Most of the time, they do. It only comes from a lack of knowledge.

However, teachers and school officials often give the same advice. And not only out of laziness, but as a subtle way of blaming you.

They do it to shut you up. And just maybe, they hope you’ll forget about it and let the bullies off the hook. I write this from personal experience.

Personal Experience.

I can tell you that I got loads of advice back in the day. And it wasn’t only ineffective. It was counterproductive.

Some of it was from a few well-meaning family members who didn’t know better. Most of it was from lazy teachers and principals who didn’t want to be bothered.

And when I took their advice, it produced no results. And I felt let down.

Types of Bad Bullying advice victims in school hear from Adults.

Here is a list of bad advice adults would give me when I was in school.

1. “Ignore them.”

I’m sure everyone who has ever battled bullies has gotten this advice. Here are a few reasons why this rarely works.

a. Bullies seek attention. And they are relentless. Therefore, if one thing doesn’t get your attention, they will try something else. Moreover, they won’t stop until they’ve worn you down and caused you to react out of exhaustion. And, even then, they won’t stop.

b. Bullies think they’re entitled to unearned respect. Many of these bullies get extremely angry when you ignore them. Why? Because they see it as disrespect. Then, they will retaliate and continue to make you pay from that day forward.

c. Bullies mistake your ignoring them for fear. They’re like wild animals. When they smell fear (or think they do), look out! Because they’ll take full advantage until they either crush you underfoot. Or, you may blow your top, knock the taste out of their mouths, and land in trouble with school authorities or police.

The best thing to do is to come back at the bullies with something witty. Doing this will throw them off balance. Or, you can deliver a good burn to humiliate them and make them think twice about ever coming for you again.

And the next time someone tells you to ignore it, you can respond with,

“You try ignoring a bully and see how that works out for you.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

2. “Overlook Them.”

Right! It’s hard to overlook a bully who’s in your face. Many bullies get nose-to-nose with you, screaming curses and obscenities at you.

And they’ll dare you to say something back or to hit them. It’s also difficult to ignore a bully who’s beating the crap out of you after school every other day. How can you overlook or ignore that?

The best thing to do here is to tell them to back the hell off. Additionally, if the bullying gets physical, defend yourself. Put up your dukes and fight back like your life depends on it.

Here’s how you respond to this suggestion:

“Why don’t you try overlooking someone who’s shouting in your face?”

3. “Kill them with kindness.”

Shh-yeah! That may work with bully-victims. But it’ll never work with bullies infected with narcissism. Those with narcissism see kindness as weakness and will use it to crush you.

Also, they’ll come back at you much harder next time. Why? Because they see kindness as a bad reflection on them. And they can’t handle anyone who naturally makes them look like scumbags.

How you respond to this advice is to say,

“You try killing a bully with kindness. Then come back and tell me how it went.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

4. “Toughen up.” 

Toughen up? Do you know what you’re telling them to do?

Maybe you may tell the kid that bullying will toughen them up. This is the equivalent of having a baseball bat taken to your legs and having both limbs broken. Then they assure you that the bone will be even stronger than before once it heals. I’m sure you get the point.

It is this type of attitude which allows the abuse to continue and re-victimizes the victim! Here is why I think that it’s the stupidest response an adult can give to a child or teen

You are indirectly and maybe unknowingly shifting the blame back onto the poor child. Moreover, you’re sending the message that the harassment is his fault because he is weak.

Here’s another thing to think about. Kids and teens will take the “toughen up” response as the go-ahead to defend themselves. Now, this is not a bad thing. Kids should be encouraged to defend themselves from bullying.

However, when you tell a kid to “toughen up” and then turn around and punish them for doing so, that’s when it’s a problem.

As a result, they’ll only be confused about what to do the next time they are bullied. Lastly, bullying may toughen most kids up. However, it shuts some children down.

Instead of telling them to toughen up, tell them to defend themselves. When you say it this way, you aren’t blaming them. And you’re giving them your permission to fight back.

Also, if you’re a kid in school and a coach tells you to toughen up, that’s when you say,

“Okay. I’ll toughen up. But you won’t like it when I do.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

5. “Brush it off.”

Have you ever heard that bit of advice? They want you to brush it off. Not defend yourself and not respond. Just brush it off like it isn’t a big deal.

However, bullying is a big deal. And that’s why you must respond to verbal abuse. And you must defend yourself. It’s the only way to make them stop.

6. “Keep a Low Profile.”

What does it mean to keep a low profile? It means to stay out of sight. When someone gives you this lousy advice, they’re basically telling you to hide – to reduce your visibility.

This kind of advice is absurd for two reasons. Number one, you shouldn’t have to hide from anyone. And, number two, you have just as much right to be seen as anyone else.

Well-intentioned adults may believe that keeping out of sight will prevent escalation. Moreover, they might think that it will give you immediate safety. And it just might. But only for the time being.

Realize that hiding doesn’t address the bullying. Unless you address it, it will continue.

“Nope! I’m not hiding from anyone!”

Bad Bullying Advice:

7. “Keep your nose clean.”

Adults may tell you to “keep your nose clean” when they want you to avoid trouble. In giving this terrible advice, they advise you not to defend yourself and avoid conflict.

This may work for the moment. However, it only causes bullies to escalate the behavior in the long run.

Also, school staff may say this as a subtle way of blaming you for their behavior. Teachers often made this suggestion when I reported bullying. And it pissed me off to no end!

8. “Tread Lightly.”

Here’s another piece of rotten advice. Well-meaning school officials may use this advice to keep you from defending yourself. But only because they’re afraid the bullying will escalate and the bullies will retaliate.

Moreover, they may think that if you fly under the radar, things will cool down. Another thing to think about is that these adults may feel powerless to stop the bullying themselves. That’s fair enough.

School staff who don’t care will also suggest that you “tread lightly.” But they’ll do it for different reasons. They may tell you this to blame you. It’s their way of telling you to keep your mouth shut and not to cause a big stink.

Let them know in no uncertain terms that you won’t tiptoe around anyone. And mean it!

“No way! I’m not walking on eggshells to keep from making them angry.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

9. “Don’t rock the boat.”

This piece of advice has undertones of victim-blaming. When adults tell a bullied kid not to “rock the boat,” they say it out of laziness. It’s easier to silence the victim.

They’re telling you not to make a big deal out of it to cover their own butts. Moreover, staff may do it to protect the bullies. Why? Because many bullies are stars on the school sports teams.

They make the school look good. And they have to keep their reputations clean. They make it your responsibility to keep the peace. But don’t fall for this garbage. Stand up to it.

You can always come back with,

“Um! No! They rocked the boat when they started messing with me! And if they keep it up, I’ll tip the darn thing over!”

10. “Don’t make waves.”

This suggestion has the same meaning and reasons as “don’t rock the boat.” Again, schools tell victims this because they’re afraid of being exposed as bullying cesspits.

Therefore, they make you responsible for their reputations. You can always respond with,

“No. It’s not my responsibility to protect the school’s reputation. That’s your job.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

11. “Tone it down a little.”

When people tell the victim to tone it down, they’re really telling them to suppress themselves. They’re also blaming you for your bullies’ behavior.

What they are doing is attempting to silence your voice so the bullies won’t get angry. However, you should never make yourself invisible to make others feel better.

The next time someone gives you this advice, you can say,

“No. I refuse to shrink down to make other people feel better. I’m not responsible for their feelings or their behavior.”

12. “Don’t draw attention to yourself.”

Indeed, you shouldn’t draw negative attention to yourself. That sounds reasonable. However, if you’re being bullied in school, adults may tell you this to silence you. It also implies that the bullying is your fault.

Speaking out isn’t negative; it’s brave. Moreover, bullied kids may take it as being told they should hide or suppress themselves.

Therefore, this advice isn’t good because it can cause you to go silent. The next time someone gives you this suggestion, you can say,

“No. I’m not responsible for their behavior. They are.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

13. “Stay out of their way.”

This advice only blames the victim. Moreover, it teaches them to hide from bullies.

There’s nothing wrong with avoiding toxic people. It’s something we should all do for our own mental health. However, what if the bullies are actively looking for you?

How do you stay out of their way when they always manage to find you even when you avoid them? Do they think you’re supposed to run from them?

I can tell you this from experience. If you run from bullies, you’ll be running for the rest of your life. At some point, you’ll need to stand up for yourself.

Therefore, if you ever hear this advice from teachers, you can respond with,

“With all due respect, staying out of their way isn’t going to solve the problem. It’s not my responsibility to tiptoe around them. I’ll avoid them as much as I can. But when I can’t, it’s your responsibility to protect me while I’m at school.”

14. “Keep your head down.”

In other words, they’re telling you to shrink yourself. To duck down and make yourself invisible! Adults who give you this suggestion usually do it because of their own past trauma.

They may also do it because they’re exhausted. These are legitimate reasons. It doesn’t make it right.

Again, you shouldn’t have to hide from anyone to feel safe. So, tell them,

“I shouldn’t have to hide to be safe. And I refuse to do so. Hiding doesn’t address the problem. It compounds it.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

15. “Don’t poke the Bear.”

This suggestion is blatant victim-blaming. Remember that most bullies look for and pursue their victims. Therefore, how are you “poking the bear” when they’re the ones coming after you?

They might as well tell you that just your being there is provoking your bullies. And it’s absurd! Therefore, call it out to their faces. You can say,

“It’s them who are coming after me. They are the ones who approach me in the hallways. They are the ones who catch me in the bathroom. So, how am I the one who’s poking the bear? This is victim-blaming, and I refuse to accept blame for their behavior.

16. “Make Yourself scarce.”

Adults believe that this advice will immediately stop the bullying. However, they’re dead wrong. When someone tells you to “make yourself scarce,” what they’re really telling you is to stay hidden.

Or they’re saying that you should run from your bullies. Avoiding bullies is wise. Don’t get me wrong. We should all avoid human predators.

However, bullies are relentless. If they can’t find you, they will look for you. And they will look until they find you. Then what?

Realize that they’re trying to make you responsible for someone else’s actions. Therefore, stand up to them by saying,

“No. You’re trying to put it off on me, and I refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior. I’ll avoid them as much as possible. But if they’re hellbent on finding me, that’s not on me.”

Bad Bullying Advice:

17. “Be nonchalant.”

Now, this doesn’t sound like bad advice. Why? Because, when it comes to bullying, being nonchalant can mean not reacting emotionally.

So, in this context, it’s good advice. Why? Because when you starve a bully of an emotional reaction, you take the wind out of their sail.

However, a bullied kid can also take this advice to mean ignoring the bully. And most bullies see ignoring them as fear, disrespect, or permission to continue their behavior. When adults don’t explain to the child that nonchalance doesn’t mean you don’t respond, that’s when it’s bad.

Therefore, you should ask them to clarify that statement and see what they say.

18. “Stay out of trouble.”

This is bad advice on its face. Why? Because staying out of trouble is much easier said than done when you’re a target of bullies.

When adults tell bullied kids to stay out of trouble, it’s laughable at best. In fact, they usually give this suggestion to targets who defend themselves.

The best response here is to look at them with pity and shake your head.

Bad Bullying Advice:

19. “Go the Extra Mile.”

This statement can have several different contexts. If by telling you to go the extra mile, the teacher means to work harder on your lessons and be more successful to show your bullies up, I can respect this.

After all, your teacher wants to see you show them up. So, this kind of advice can be helpful.

However, if it means being extra nice to your bullies because “it will stop the harassment,” then it’s terrible advice. Why? Because bullies will think you’re kissing their ass. And they’ll get a kick out of it and treat you worse.

Therefore, look at context before responding.

20. “Try to blend in.”

This isn’t necessarily bad advice. It depends on context and who’s giving it. Many adults who tell you to do this have good intentions behind it. Reducing visibility to bullies does help, but only in the short term.

It doesn’t solve the problem. You can’t hide forever. Eventually, you’ll have to stand up to them.

In Conclusion

If you’ve been a victim of bullies, how many of these pieces of advice did you hear?

This post is all about bad bullying advice so that you’ll recognize it when you hear it and call it out.

Related posts you’ll enjoy:

1. Stop Victim Blaming: 8 Reasons People Blame Targets for Bullying

2.  What Does Victim Blaming Look Like? 9 Easy Signs to Watch for

3. Punished for Defending Yourself: What You Can Do